if you like me you must not know who I am
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
