I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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