I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
