Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
that's an acceptable place to lick
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize