This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my nose is crying tears of wow.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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