She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
