He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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