Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
