If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I am morally bankrupt
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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