Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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