yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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