I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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