I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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