Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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