And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
