how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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