fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
