If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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