Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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