I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
