I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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