Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize