a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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