Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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