she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
