i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
