All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
