Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
