You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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