she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
