i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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