I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
