WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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