Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
