I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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