If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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