great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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