I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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