if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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