This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
