Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize