Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
