Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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