after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
