I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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