update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
