The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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