Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
