I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
