Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
