Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
