is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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