What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
