I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
