It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
